So, I Was Planning on Blogging More Frequently

Seriously. I made a LIST of blog ideas and everything. I began to get ORGANIZED.

And then... um... yeah.

So, anyway, I'm finally blogging again. And this time, it's about NaNo. For those of you who don't know what NaNoWriMo is, let me briefly describe it:

A magical time that lasts for the duration of November, in which numerous writers voluntarily sign up to torture themselves and spur on the self-inflicted torture of others by agreeing to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days.

Now, 50,000 words makes for an awfully short novel. It's really more of a novella when you're finished. It is also, however, a short draft which you can revise and make into something more novel-ly and wonderful. Some great novels that began as NaNo experiments are: Water for Elephants and The Night Circus.

I'm pretty sure you can't sign up for this month of awesome-sauce and sleep deprivation until October, but I recently sat down and did some brainstorming the other day.

You see, I have THREE ideas for NaNo projects this year. I thought brainstorming might help me come to a decision, but I was MISTAKEN. And so, gentle readers, I turn to you. Please, help me decide what to write about by casting a vote. Which of the following ideas sounds more like something you would want to chain yourself to for 30 days?

Option #1: ROAD RAGE

Tokyo Heiress, spoiled rich girl, has a pet peeve regarding proper driving. And when someone doesn't follow the rules of the road, she rams into their car, totaling both vehicles, because her parents can totally afford to buy her a new one, so why not?

Unfortunately, her parents decide to be totally not cool, and after a recent incident, have taken away her driving privileges and hired her a driver.

Unbeknownst to her parents, her driver has worse road rage than SHE does. And he doesn't necessarily follow driving laws himself, nor expect others to - he just wants everyone to recognize that the road is his.

Shenanigans ensue.

Option #2: AS-YET UNTITLED MYSTERY STORY

Female protag. lives on Ideal Street, but ironically deals with the desperate and despondent working as the front desk receptionist of a temporary agency. She herself is seeking different work because, frankly, working at a temp agency sucks and she doesn't make enough money to deal with this shit on a daily basis.

One day, whilst perusing Craigslist and making phone calls to fill a job order, she overhears a murder.

Except that no one believes her, the police having gone to the residence and ruled it as a suicide.

So female protag. will have to investigate this circumstance, herself.

The recently deceased was one of the few workers she actually enjoyed talking to on the phone and in the office. Plus, no one calls HER a liar...

Option #3: The Jane Austen Spin-off

This one will involve research. In case you haven't heard of it, Jane Austen was a few chapters into a new novel when she passed away. Most people call it Sanditon, because that was the residence at which the majority of the novel was to take place. Austen herself, however, was going to call it The Brothers. Basically, my idea is that a young woman finds herself living a life that draws many parallels to Sanditon/The Brothers - kind of a way to resolve/finish/sequel Austen's unfinished novel without actually poorly pretending to be her.

This one could be fun, and it would give me an excuse to re-read Austen, particularly that last work, as it's been awhile since I read it, and I would want to become familiar with it once more. I know that it had to do with hypochondriacs (of which I am one) and would probably place the new novel at a health resort or spa. Obviously, this one is the least fleshed out so far. Although I DO love Austen.

So - which idea do YOU like best? Please let me know in the comments below!

Respect & Decorum Are a Dead Thing when the Customer is Always Right

The woman's hair was more frizz than curl.

She wore an oversized t-shirt that severely accentuated her thinness, and a pair of baggy jeans that could not have felt good in the eighty degree heat outside.

She walked up to the garish orange counter* with an older, portly, balding, rotting-toothed gentleman and slammed her DVDs on the counter before spouting off the seven digits of her phone number in a steady, monotonous stream of syllables.

This behavior was jarring to Alecia, the 21-year-old fashion school student who thought to herself once more that she really needed to get a job in the retail environment tailored to clothing. She forced her the corners of her lips up and out into a smile. "Hello," she said pleasantly, as she grabbed the movies, and removed the security precautions. "How are you today?"

"All them movies I kin git for five nights, I wan' for five nights," the woman said, her smoke-clogged voice as rough and abrasive as her movements.

"Okay," Alecia responded. "It looks like the only movie that will be due back tomorrow night before we close is 'Drive Angry.' Your total is five dollars even."

The woman handed over a Chase debit card. Alecia flipped it over to behold a darkened, scratched out slip on the back. "May I please see your ID?" she asked.

"I DON' HAVE MY ID!" the woman screamed. Alecia wondered how many times over the past few days the woman had been asked to corroborate that she was herself. "I am waiting for it in the mail."

Isn't it amazing how much more articulate some people become when angry?

"Okay..." Alecia said, thinking to herself that this was exactly the way that someone who was stealing identification or up to something fishy would react. "Do you have any other ID, at all?"

"If this is going to be a big deal," the woman said, digging through her purse, her shoulders jerking with her abrupt movements. She retrieved a crumpled twenty dollar bill from the depths, and flung it at the girl behind the counter.

Alecia returned the debit card. "I'm sorry; it's just difficult to make out your signature."

"Not really," the woman said, in the exasperated tone usually reserved for police officers and IRS agents.

Alecia forced a small breath. In and out. "Maybe your eyesight is better than mine," she said. In and out. "Though, given the way you look, I doubt it."

"What did you just say to me?!"

Fuck breathing. "You know what? You're right. The first thing I thought when I woke up this morning was, I'm going to make Tanya Roberts' life difficult today! Seriously. I don't even know you. You know what? When you're the victim of credit card fraud, remember this incident, and the countless others like it. I don't think you're a criminal; I was trying to protect you from those who are."

"What's your name?"

"Fred."

"Fred." The woman sounded as if she didn't believe Alecia.

"Yup. 'Drive Angry' is due back tomorrow; you have everything else until Monday. Enjoy."

The woman seemed a bit flustered as she left the store. So flustered, she forgot to get her change. Alecia deemed it a tip and stuck it in her pocket.

*You could tell a man chose the color scheme, with its' bright orange and green hues.

What You MEAN to Say vs. What You ACTUALLY Say

Like most young Americans these days, I have an at least mild case of ADD, which makes me an epic channel flipper (& completely annoying to people who actually want to watch a show in its' entirety). As such, I don't watch a lot of commercials.

And then I watched a commercial the other day, and got a writing lesson, so I guess they're good for something other than making us want things we don't need except in a meaningless attempt to fill the gaping black hole created by American marketing that continually demands more THINGS. It was the family photo "cloud" commercial:




There is... so much wrong with this commercial. Yet the thing that irks me most about it is when the mother says: "Windows gives me the family nature never could."

Wait... WHAT?!

Seriously - who releases something like this around the holidays? Who greenlighted this commercial? Who WROTE THAT LINE?

It's horrible. It's Lois Griffin horrible.

To begin with, that woman has no place to criticize anyone when she's making her family wear those horrible matching plaid shirts. *shudder*

Second, as I've already mentioned, young America is known (and always has been) for the "fidget factor." We're impatient, and the "get it now" imperative that culture has been shoving down people's throats is only making it worse. So how can you reasonably expect your kids to remain perfectly positioned for numerous photos if you don't tranquilize them first?

Obviously, someone's parenting skills are nonexistent.

Now, I know that the holidays are hectic & crazy and that people get overwhelmed sometimes. But there's no sense of that in this commercial. Her family continues to sit on the couch while she tells them they're not good enough.

I'm going to assume that this impression is not what Windows meant to get across.

Because while the holidays are hectic & crazy, that's one of the things that makes them so fun & wonderful. You put effort into them to show the people you care about how much they mean to you - not so you can force them to wear hideous clothing & make them feel bad about themselves.

So while you're writing, keep in mind what your words are ACTUALLY saying.

Guilty Pleasures

While some people secretly indulge in masturbation (in the living room with their friend sleeping next to them on the couch: http://tinyurl.com/24znbnl) or more dangerous activities such as self-inflicted harm, I am referring to the comparatively tamer pleasure of enjoying a book that's not very well-written.

We all have a few, right?

As a former fan of the Sweet Valley High and Fearless series(es), I probably shouldn't ever poke fun at what others read (but, of course, still do. Frequently).

For a long time, Stephen King was a guilty pleasure for me. I have recently come to terms with my love for the King, even writing a few blog posts about what an idiot I was previously. The best thing about guilty pleasures, however, is the ways that our mind attempts to find reasons that it's totally okay for us to like these things we think, for whatever reason, we shouldn't like.

If you're a more sophisticated person than me, you probably shrug, say: "It's not very good, but I like it," & continue to indulge yourself.

If you're of a more crazy variety (possibly like me, though I don't think I'd admit to it), you probably come up with "theories" explaining your liking for your guilty pleasure.

All of this babble is an attempt for me to explain my theory as to why Stephen King is the modern-day Shakespeare.

It sounds pompous, I know.

The Bard:

Stephen King:

It might be a little pompous. But I haven't had anyone shoot it down, yet, so my theory still flies around in my brain. (So if you're going to shoot it down, be gentle, lest you cause my brain to hemhorrage.)

My theory mostly has to do with quantity. I am amazed at the sheer amount of work that these two men have managed to create (for King, thus far) in their lifetimes.

Both Shakespeare and King are fairly literary. They were/are smart men who were/are well-read. (From henceforth, I'm going to refer to both Shakespeare's & King's qualities, attributes, & accomplishments in present tense.) They know how to make allusions, and to what they should allude.

Shakespeare and Stephen King also both write about the world in which they live. When you read The Dead Zone, you're reminded that things like speed limits on the highway, and a drinking age of 21 are relatively recent additions to United States law. You can imagine, 200 years from now, people reading King's books in history class, both because it was popular literature, and because it describes the time period we live in very well.

I think Shakespeare and Stephen King are good writers, but not amazing ones. My reasoning for this is probably entirely superficial - it's too easy to understand their work. Maybe I don't get all of the allusions made, but I also don't feel like I have to read a sentence twice to comprehend the meaning, or even just take in its' beauty again. Personally, I have never had trouble exchanging "thee" for "you" in my head, and so Shakespeare has never really seemed like a huge deal to me. I read a book like Nabakov's Lolita and think to myself: "Wow. That was amazing. I will have to read that book again." I read Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet and think to myself: "Wow. Those two were so STUPID. Just like my 18-year-old sister with her boyfriend-of-the-month." Both works have good writing, both works made me feel something, but Shakespeare and King don't make me think as much as I think a literary work needs to in order for me to hail it as something that NEEDS to withstand the test of time. There are the works I WANT my future children and other people's children to go on reading because they open your mind to new possibilities. And there are works like Shakespeare and King that I know my future children and other people's children will read because you can't go into a bookstore without seeing works by those authors, and so they will have some sort of opinion on the authors, just as I do.

With the amount of words that King has had published, I think the likelihood of his work surviving is high, just as Shakespeare's words have thus far survived -- and this is why, in my mind, King is the modern-day Shakespeare.

What is one of your guilty pleasures and/or conspiracy theories? I would love to read it/them in the comments below...

First Impressions: Jodi Picoult

So because I occasionally read another blog with an awesome name, I decided to try reading a Jodi Picoult book.

I had never read her work before because, quite frankly, I had seen a Lifetime movie based on one of her books called "The Pact," and it was really, really horrible, despite having the funny chick from Will & Grace, and I didn't think that the woman who wrote the book that inspired it was my style.

BUT, I trust Possum, who recommended her work to me.

To be fair, it was not as horrible as I expected. At the same time, I did not consider her work to be genius, nor particularly probing.

Jodi Picoult is lauded as a writer who makes her readers really think about difficult issues. So I guess I was expecting something new while I was reading Salem Falls.

In a nutshell, Salem Falls deals with the topics of rape and witchcraft.

I wouldn't say that Picoult dealt with it in a horrible manner. I thought she was sensitive, and I thought that she did a pretty good job of showing multiple facets of rape.

I also, however, thought her book was fairly predictable. The very end of the novel feels like it's supposed to be a twist, something the reader didn't see on a first reading. Well, I saw it, and I saw it within the first third of the novel, which is relatively early.

I did like that the ending wasn't quite so black and white. I was kind of expecting that all of the bad guys were going to be outed, and that the good guy (there was really only one) was going to be exonerated, and if the book had ended that way, I would be decrying it as a piece of unrealistic tripe.

Overall, I can see why Picoult is a bestselling author. Really, I can. It's because she writes like a romance writer, but one who can pretend her books aren't just about love and happy endings and sex. The core of her novels, however, is that love is redeeming. That it "lifts us up where we belong" as some idealist once sang. It's a nice message. Picoult doesn't present it in a very interesting way, however. She presents it in a predictable way.

Infinite Days of Mediocrity

Today I am going to be reviewing Infinite Days, by Rebecca Maizel.

So basically, the premise of the novel is how would someone who was made into a bloodsucking monster during the Middle Ages respond to suddenly being a human, teenage girl again during nowadays*?

This is a very interesting idea, and worthy of exploring. In fact, I liked many of the ideas in Maizel's novel.

The writing, however, was not of superb caliber. Occasionally, I got glimpses of beautiful writing from Maizel, but they were few & fleeting.

I thought the characters were fairly flat and uninteresting. Occasionally, they said something funny, but reading the novel, I could tell that Maizel thought she was being funny far more often than I did.

This book is okay. No masterpiece. I slogged** through it. I felt like the ending was preposterous. I didn't particularly care about the main character, though it is her story line that drives the novel.

My verdict: very interesting ideas & very poor execution.

*And in case anyone else is wondering, it's a word: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/nowadays

**Yep. This one too: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/slog