I don't know if it's going to happen this year

I'm trying. Valiantly. (Well, maybe not so valiantly, but trying, nonetheless.)

Maybe I just can't turn off my inner editor.

I was fairly excited with my story for the first couple of days. And then life intervenes, and I have to struggle to make myself drive to the library so I can use a computer, b/c I detest writing at least 1,667 words a day by hand. My word count is horrible. And I just feel like my writing is horrible.

I know everyone had to start out somewhere. We're not all Fitzgeralds. I'm certainly not. I can't push out a This Side of Paradise in a few months (or whatever it was). But I just have this feeling that I could never be a great writer. I'm not even sure if I want to be.

I have all of these ideas for stories, is the thing. But they never come out the way I want them to. And writing them kind of feels like an ideal.

I would love to write something that other people genuinely enjoy reading. But am I capable of that? I don't know.

And vague historical/literary references aside, what if I can't even write as well as that much beloved, much hated Meyer? (In my opinion, her books are too large due to lack of proper revision rather than because her writing is so good that it just had to be that large.)

I know how to write an essay. That's what I've done for the past four years, and I think I've done it fairly well. But fiction? I feel like I used to possibly have a talent for it, but if I did, the talent evaporated as I forced myself to write within the restrictions that my teachers wanted. "If." That's quite the conditional.

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. Guess I just needed to vent.

Back to my self-imposed torture chamber, a.k.a., Microsoft Word.

I Hate Everything

Okay, not really.

Today is just really, really not a cool day.

I'm behind on my writing, of course. Part of the reason is that I have to force myself to return to Purdue campus every day to use one of the computers available at the university because my own computer is not yet set up. Part of the reason is that I'm a born procrastinator. Exhibit A: This blog, which, technically, I shouldn't be posting in at all if my word count of the day isn't done, right?

I woke up today with a headache, and with my head feeling warm, though I'm not REALLY warm, I just feel that way. And I'm not really tired, so I don't think a nap is going to solve anything. I'm not sick, but I don't feel well.

And, as usual, work made me furious. In a way, this should be a good thing, because my novel is about a person who allows her frustrations with her fast food job to develop into homicidal tendencies upon which she acts. So my fast food job of the moment is actually a good thing. I have been writing a lot, so far, that draws from my actual experiences, but hyped up a bit. At the same time, I don't like doing a job I hate. It's such a chore to drag myself out of bed every morning at 6:30, and I think part of the reason I feel like crap a lot is because I don't like my job.

But what job would I prefer to do?

That is an excellent question. And honestly, I haven't a clue as to what the answer is.

Slightly Behind

I thought I was doing so well. I've written every day, (by which I mean a grand total of THREE days, of course...), and feel like I've accomplished a lot. Yet at the same time, I didn't write 1,667 words yesterday, and so my total word count is at least 200 words below the goal today.

I need to shape up and make myself work.

But at the same time, I'm pretty happy with what I've got.

Whether it's actually intriguing to an outside reader or not, it's something a bit different for me.

Kind of gothic, in a way. Far too much drama, but really fun to write.

And isn't that the point in writing, anyway?

NaNo Widget

1,982

That's the number of words I currently have written.

I'm not completely burnt out yet. But I am ready for a break. And ready to eat, I think.

I might write more longhand at home tonight, and just type it up tomorrow. We'll see.

I hope everyone else doing NaNoWriMo at the moment is doing well. I'm just happy to have at least achieved the minimum on this first day.

NaNoWriMo Begins

It's the first day of NaNoWriMo, as of midnight today, and I am about to begin working on my novel.

I realize it's kind of late, but I have to use library facilities as I just moved into a new apartment and don't have my computer set up, or internet.

And to make matters worse, I'm on Purdue campus, and today they're playing my team. The Wolverines better win... Go Blue!