The Fake Blog Post

aka, a link to a review I did as a guest for AustenBlog.

The review was for a murder mystery that made numerous allusions to Persuasions entitled Murder Most Persuasive. If you haven't read it yet, you really should.

Turkey Day is Nearly Here!

I'm finishing a book review to post soon, but with work and the massive amounts of turkey I plan to consume tomorrow, it is difficult to pin down exactly when that post will occur.

In the meantime, here's something we can all be thankful for: bad sex in literature.

Use the (expletive deleted) Correct Vocabulary. (expletive deleted)

I was at Briarwood Mall the other day, and as I was leaving, I approached the bank of doors -

Door (n.)

1. a moveable, usually solid, barrier for opening and closing an entranceway, cupboard, cabinet, or the like, commonly turning on hinges or sliding in grooves
2. a doorway
3. the building, house, etc., to which a door belongs
4. any means of approach, admittance, or access
5. any gateway marking an entrance or exit from one place or state to another*

On these movable, solid barriers which are supposed to turn on hinges at a light touch and allow passage into the great outdoors** were 8" x 11" sheets of white paper on which were crudely handwritten: "Machine

Machine: (n.)

1. an apparatus consisting of interrelated parts with separate functions, used in the performance of some kind of work.
2. a mechanical apparatus or contrivance; mechanism.

Out of Order."

I blithely walked right to the door, my hand extended before me to swing the door open on the aforementioned hinges, and it stuck. A girl dressed entirely in black clothing walked by and said: "It's out of order."

And I, dear reader, was mad. I was angry. I was enraged. (Which is slightly ridiculous, but that's another story...)

When you see "machine out of order," you're generally expecting a credit card machine or an ATM or something with buttons that at least makes blooping sounds, and possibly speaks in a robotic monotone. Not a door.

So please, use the correct vocabulary, lest you turn a normally gentle writer into a vicious little animal who will point out your stupidity on her blog. With twenty followers.

*All definitions are courtesy of Dictionary.com. & laziness

**Commonly referred to as a "parking lot."

Way to Go, America

Have you ever seen the movie "Meet the Robinsons?" There's this scene where Michael Yagoobian is discussing his descent into becoming a very tall, very thin, very angry villain who will eventually befriend a bowler hat. He walks down the school hallways carrying a binder with a pretty pink pony, his eyes on the floor, and looking back on this time, comments: "They all hated me."

That's pretty much how I feel, because no one voted on my NaNo ideas. Except I don't even have a pretty pink pony binder, and so the depths of despair darkening my heart yawn ever wider in a chasm that might never close, you guys. This abyss might remain agape forever.

For. Ev. Er.

Nothing could better illustrate that my readers are American than this FAILURE TO VOTE.

What you fail to realize, gentle, non-voting readers, is that your decision to behave like an American has taken away my right to do so by being indecisive and letting other people make my decision for me. This is my roundabout way of saying that I decided which idea to write about for NaNoWriMo - option #3: the Jane Austen continuation in the form of a modern re-make. Partially because I think I might actually have the ability to write a great Jane Austen spin-off. Primarily because it gives me an excuse to read about Jane Austen and re-read her works. Be warned: much Austen-related drooling is likely to occur within the forthcoming blog posts.

And I was able to come to a decision this time, but don't expect this to occur too often, guys. I am, after all, very patriotic.

America!

P.S. The above is only meant to be read in a jovial, joking manner. Although I do think it's a good idea to vote for important things - I mean, how ELSE will we know which is better: Coke or Pepsi?

Awesome T-Shirt

Hey guys! Just in case you haven't heard of it yet, author Maureen Johnson is pimpin' a YA Saves t-shirt. There are numerous reasons you should buy this shirt:

1) It is, in fact, a very cute shirt. Dark blue, it will complement most skin tones. & with its' snappy font, you are sure to feel and look sophisticated and elegant as you stroll down the street.*

2) 100% of the proceeds from sale of this shirt are being donated to Reading Is Fundamental. Thus, you are doing your good deed for the day & supporting literacy. This particular charity also seems fitting this week, as it is Banned Books Week.

3) If you fail to purchase the aforementioned t-shirt, I make no promises that Ms. Johnson will not throw a rabid badger down your shirt front, thus ruining the shirt you are wearing now, and making a t-shirt purchase seem even more reasonable than it already does.

4) A t-shirt and jeans are good, all-American lazy fashion sense. Don't you love America?

5) This t-shirt is so cute, you should probably purchase TWO or THREE. One for yourself, one for back-up, and one for a gift. (*cough, cough* My birthday might be coming up in a few weeks *cough*)

Feel free to list EVEN MORE reasons why a purchase of the aforementioned shirt is necessary in the comments below...**

*Sometimes, I talk like a 60-year-old woman. Deal.

**Should you succeed in making me laugh, I will bake you virtual brownies.

"'It's very important to take revenge. In the right way, of course. It doesn't mean you have to hurt anyone. But you act in a way that lets you keep your self-respect.'"

-Maxine Swann. The Foreigners.

As I mentioned previously, I recently finished reading Maxine Swann's The Foreigners. It's a beautiful book, and deals with different cultures and self-identity. This quote, in particular, jumped out at me as I was reading.

What I like about this quote is that it sums up why people like the idea of revenge. Revenge, often petty, is the subject of movies and TV shows, and we've all fantasized about it. There is a reason - it is about self-respect. It is about letting someone else know that they are not allowed to walk all over you. This is why scenes such as Veronica's smug look at the end of the pilot for Veronica Mars are so satisfying - they uphold the idea that revenge is possible, and that it feels great.

Not quite the smug look to which I was referring, but she definitely looks like she's enjoying her revenge.

Moreover, this quote brings up another aspect of "revenge" - that it must be done in "the right way." That it doesn't necessarily mean that you hurt anyone else, because revenge is more for yourself. I really liked this qualification. It's true - revenge is for you, which is why it can result in pettiness and get out of control. So it is important to limit yourself - to allow yourself to keep your self-respect, and feel better, but not to lose control of the situation or yourself in the process. This is why it is okay to verbally cut someone off who is being a complete asshole, but it is not okay to, say, shoot someone in the head for failing to say "Bless you." (I might have watched "Dogma" last night.)


I don't know that I'm advocating vengeance - I just like the manner in which this quote succinctly sums up what revenge should be, and why it is so appealing.

Let Us Talk of Things Foreign & Strange

I was lucky enough to receive an uncorrected proof of Maxine Swann's The Foreigners.

The cover is pretty awesome, and people will think you're FAKING reading it b/c the chick is upside down.

Essentially, this novel is narrated by an American woman, recently divorced, named Daisy. Her name isn't really that important, however, and is really only rarely mentioned, in passing - she is a nameless American, going through a hard time, who has escaped to Buenos Aires to hopefully regain a sense of self. She meets some interesting people, such as Gabriel, the gay prostitute who has dropped out of med school and tells her she should "try everything."

Two people, in particular, are focused on, however - the Argentine native Leonarda, and the Austrian immigrant Isolde.

Isolde is awesome and elegant and lonely and figuring shit out, too. She likes to go to fancy cocktail parties with the elite circle of the rich and elegant, yet her sense of loneliness prevents her from being as successful in this circle as her ambition would like. She also suffers from monetary difficulties - for some reason, pretending to be rich when you're not can get costly and bankrupt you.

As opposed to being a mermaid and pretending to be human, which costs you physically and causes every step you take to feel as though knives are running through your body.

Leonarda, on the other hand, is NOT a foreigner, but wishes to be. She is smart, seductive, and unpredictable. She is wild, she wants to be revolutionary, and is always in the mood for change. Her temperament and appearance are extremely malleable, as well as her social circle. She hangs out with people in a dingy lab doing complicated things on her computer, and she dresses in luscious cocktail dresses and hobnobs with the sophisticated, rich, and famous.

Both Leonarda and Isolde help our heroine/protagonist/American character through providing glimpses into different lives, providing friendship, and expanding Daisy's horizons.

I really enjoyed this novel, despite its' rather aimless feel, and the fact that it doesn't really go anywhere. At the end of the novel, there is no grand epiphany, but the journey of the novel is an interesting, intelligent one.

One of the odd things about this novel is that the author Maxine Swann is from America, herself, yet the novel has the feeling of a novel that has been translated. There is a murkiness to the story. The words are all discernible, but the manner in which they are put together, while coherent, brings forth a slightly fuzzy picture in the readers' mind. I liked this quality, personally, but can see it proving irritating to some readers.

Another quality which did not particularly bother me, but that might bother the reader, is that, overall, I'm not entirely sure the characters are likeable. They're not necessarily unlikeable, but they're also not necessarily people you read about and think to yourself: "This person sounds awesome. I want them to spring forth from these pages because I feel certain we would be great things were this odd, magical happenstance to occur."

Still, as was previously mentioned, the cover, righted, looks like it's upside down. If nothing else, this book will confuse and befuddle fellow bus/train/subway passengers. And really, guys, isn't that what reading is all about?